Shame keeps addiction well fueled

You can't do any thing about what you did.

You CAN do something about your NOW!.

Actually in point of fact there isn't any time except now (but this is concept is a post unto itself, when you were in your past, what time was it? now. When you get to your future, what time will it be then? now.)

Being ashamed of what you did (and the codependent trait of confusing your who with your do Or did)isn't going to:

rewrite history

improve the present

make 'them' feel any better about what ever it was you did

make you wish they didn't feel that way about you

In short, shame is counterproductive.

But it's a whole lot worse than simply being CounterProductive... it's toxic

Guilt is about what you did

Shame is about what you are.

they are most definitely NOT the same, but you can't tell an addict that.

NOR can you tell your friends and family (who are, even if they refuse to accept this fact... your F&F are co addicts (or codependents, relative to you they are even if they're not codependent to themselves)

Christmas just passed us (sorry, my bad "Merry Christmas readers, I seem to have gotten a whole lot more of you! haven't been checking my site stats and WOW some of you must have told your friends to come here... thanks btw)

...Christmas just passed and the way my family relates to me just demonstrated how far shame's tentacles reach:

I do Search Engine Marketing in the real world.

I drove a tractor trailer before that. I got fired from driving a truck, fired for being sick... being an 'addictive personality' had a lot to do with my getting fired.
I abused my kidneys over the past 20 years, didn't stay hydrated, drank dangerous amounts of coffee (drug substitution) and I got kidney stones, plural, and they never passed.

When I 'fell off the wagon' with Crack a few years ago, I didn't know that crack was super hard on the adrenal system (kidney system is run by our adrenal system).

Long story short I indulged, less than when I was using heavy but I indulged nonetheless. (indulge, now that's a euphemism and fodder for my next post)

Needed to get a job driving a truck, and failed the pre employment drug screen.
The total volume of crack in my system was negligible, but my kidneys are not running on all 8 cylinders. Lucky for me (probably intervention of from my higher power) I was NOT behind the wheel when I tested dirty.

The folks that I wanted to work for, let me take the test again (7 months later) and I passed (small wonder by that time I'd almost quit crack completely) but the company required me to drive the tractor trailer in violation of the hours a truck driver can drive (safely)... shorter story, I drank too much coffee, guess what my kidneys did then?

They fired me on the day before my health insurance was to take effect, the 89th day as a matter of fact. I'm of the opinion although there will never be a way to prove this, I think they worked the hell out of me cause I failed a drug test in the recent past and wouldn't complain.

... for a time, they were correct in that assumption. I felt like I was being given a second chance (and I was) and I felt I was being given (by my Higher Power) an opportunity to "make right" a previous screw up.

This was the first time in 26 years of commercial truck driving that I failed a drug test. and to "complete" or "make amends" to the damage I'd done to an almost perfect CDL history... well I was grateful (and still am).
OK, got fired, lost place to live, it's winter, ended up in the homeless shelter in Frederick Maryland.

Snap out of feeling sorry for myself, hell I did it, its up to me to repair it.
I knew search engine marketing from running my Dad's Internet business when I lived in Baltimore a few years ago, no one would hire me to drive a truck... so

I did free lance search engine work in Frederick to small businesses, I had to give em a website too, did the whole enchilada... now this is a recovery success story.

The local newspaper caught wind of it, story got buried and didn't make the paper (from my own fault, I got vindictive towards some of my clients that tried to hold my crack addiction against me and posted stuff I shouldn't have, newspaper saw that and nixed my publicity, that's ok, tomorrows another day)

The newspaper interviewed me over the phone, photographer showed up.. looked like I was gonna be a 'local crack head recovers and starts successful Internet advertising biz' story.

Now what's this got to do with shame?

My family and their reaction to the impending fame.

They were 'squeamish' about the world knowing that I smoked crack.
They were ashamed... more than I was

this caught me by surprise.

they also 'claimed me' in a way that they'd not done before... if I'm gonna be in the paper and every body's gonna know about it... they wanted me to get my hair cut.

even went so far as to try to teach me manners,'clean me up' so I wouldn't make them look bad. All of a sudden if they were gonna have to publicly admit to "yea he's in my family"

see where I'm going with this?

Shame is toxic, and it keeps the addiction from being something "fixable" and turns it into something "to sweep under the rug"

I DO know about sweeping crap under the rug... I'm an incest survivor

I was five freakin years old, what the hell was I gonna do about it?
YOUR ashamed to hear about it? FU** YOU.
I refuse to allow shame to keep making my life a living hell

Oprah Winfre made it her lives mission in 1983 to FORCE the country to acknowledge that child sex abuse happens ten fold more than any one mainstream or not wanted to admit

I owe a HUGE part of my recovery to Oprah's guile and grit

Happy New Year if I don't post till then



==========
These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

If you do slip, slow down - and think.

This was posted to another board I belong to. I find it very insightful.

If you don't work to prevent a slip, the chances are you will slip.

And if you don't respond wisely to having a slip, it's likely that you will fall.

Recovery from addiction doesn't just happen

- it takes planning, effort, and follow-through. The responsibility is yours. The following suggestions about slips are things that you - and only you - can do to safeguard your recovery.

Prevent
1. Heed the principles of addiction and recovery. Recovery - an end to
drug urges - may take a year or more of learning new responses to old
situations. So be consistent with healthy new activities. Make them
habits. And be patient with yourself.

2. Associate with positive people. One valuable habit is always to look
for the people among those you meet who have strength and good feelings.
Make them your friends.

3. Plan in advance. Don't leave things to chance. Plan activities with
positive people, people in whom you have confidence and trust. Boredom is
one of the biggest factors in relapse, and you can avoid it by keeping your
schedule active.

4. Update, review, and pay attention to your list of risky situations. You
know what situations, places, and people are most risky for you and threaten
your recovery. If you avoid the "relapse traps" that are most powerful for
you, your chances of a slip are greatly reduced.


Prepare
1. Identify the people you would go to if you slipped. Who would
understand what you were going through and would care about you and really
help you? If you don't have such people in your life, find them. Start
now.
2. After careful thought and discussion with the people you respect and can
count on, determine what other things you would do if you slipped. Think
carefully.
3. Remember the TIPS principles: Truth, Information, Priorities, Support.
Respond
1. If you do slip, slow down - and think. Remember: You have a recovery
plan (?), you have already begun to build a new life, and a slip is not a
fall. Don't forget who you are and where you came from.
2. Follow through on your plan. Go to your support people and listen to
them. Do whatever else you told yourself you would do.
3. Learn from the experience. Future slips can be avoided, and this one is
an opportunity to learn how. Turn a negative experience around by benefiting
from it.
4. Recommit yourself to personal growth. Consider your whole life - not
just the drug part - and look for where you need to grow. Your slip is a
reminder that to stay straight and upright you must always move forward - at
your own pace and in your own direction - but always forward.


==========
These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licensed counselor if you're in crisis.