Crack Cocaine Addiction sucks ass

It takes one to know one.

All addictions are ultimately Victim Behavior- they're also a symptom of codependency.

Recovery (serenity) requires a quantum shift, detachment defined is nothing (because Ego is digitalized), and detachment 'experienced' is serenity.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Shame keeps addiction well fueled

You can't do any thing about what you did.

You CAN do something about your NOW!.

Actually in point of fact there isn't any time except now (but this is concept is a post unto itself, when you were in your past, what time was it? now. When you get to your future, what time will it be then? now.)

Being ashamed of what you did (and the codependent trait of confusing your who with your do Or did)isn't going to:

  • rewrite history

  • improve the present

  • make 'them' feel any better about what ever it was you did

  • make you wish they didn't feel that way about you

  • In short, shame is counterproductive.

    But it's a whole lot worse than simply being CounterProductive... it's toxic

    Guilt is about what you did

    Shame is about what you are.

    they are most definitely NOT the same, but you can't tell an addict that.

    NOR can you tell your friends and family (who are, even if they refuse to accept this fact... your F&F are co addicts (or codependents, relative to you they are even if they're not codependent to themselves)

    Christmas just passed us (sorry, my bad "Merry Christmas readers, I seem to have gotten a whole lot more of you! haven't been checking my site stats and WOW some of you must have told your friends to come here... thanks btw)

    ...Christmas just passed and the way my family relates to me just demonstrated how far shame's tentacles reach:

    I do Search Engine Marketing in the real world.

    I drove a tractor trailer before that. I got fired from driving a truck, fired for being sick... being an 'addictive personality' had a lot to do with my getting fired.
    I abused my kidneys over the past 20 years, didn't stay hydrated, drank dangerous amounts of coffee (drug substitution) and I got kidney stones, plural, and they never passed.

    When I 'fell off the wagon' with Crack a few years ago, I didn't know that crack was super hard on the adrenal system (kidney system is run by our adrenal system).

    Long story short I indulged, less than when I was using heavy but I indulged nonetheless. (indulge, now that's a euphemism and fodder for my next post)

    Needed to get a job driving a truck, and failed the pre employment drug screen.
    The total volume of crack in my system was negligible, but my kidneys are not running on all 8 cylinders. Lucky for me (probably intervention of from my higher power) I was NOT behind the wheel when I tested dirty.

    The folks that I wanted to work for, let me take the test again (7 months later) and I passed (small wonder by that time I'd almost quit crack completely) but the company required me to drive the tractor trailer in violation of the hours a truck driver can drive (safely)... shorter story, I drank too much coffee, guess what my kidneys did then?

    They fired me on the day before my health insurance was to take effect, the 89th day as a matter of fact. I'm of the opinion although there will never be a way to prove this, I think they worked the hell out of me cause I failed a drug test in the recent past and wouldn't complain.

    ... for a time, they were correct in that assumption. I felt like I was being given a second chance (and I was) and I felt I was being given (by my Higher Power) an opportunity to "make right" a previous screw up.

    This was the first time in 26 years of commercial truck driving that I failed a drug test. and to "complete" or "make amends" to the damage I'd done to an almost perfect CDL history... well I was grateful (and still am).
    OK, got fired, lost place to live, it's winter, ended up in the homeless shelter in Frederick Maryland.

    Snap out of feeling sorry for myself, hell I did it, its up to me to repair it.
    I knew search engine marketing from running my Dad's Internet business when I lived in Baltimore a few years ago, no one would hire me to drive a truck... so

    I did free lance search engine work in Frederick to small businesses, I had to give em a website too, did the whole enchilada... now this is a recovery success story.

    The local newspaper caught wind of it, story got buried and didn't make the paper (from my own fault, I got vindictive towards some of my clients that tried to hold my crack addiction against me and posted stuff I shouldn't have, newspaper saw that and nixed my publicity, that's ok, tomorrows another day)

    The newspaper interviewed me over the phone, photographer showed up.. looked like I was gonna be a 'local crack head recovers and starts successful Internet advertising biz' story.

    Now what's this got to do with shame?

    My family and their reaction to the impending fame.

    They were 'squeamish' about the world knowing that I smoked crack.
    They were ashamed... more than I was

    this caught me by surprise.

    they also 'claimed me' in a way that they'd not done before... if I'm gonna be in the paper and every body's gonna know about it... they wanted me to get my hair cut.

    even went so far as to try to teach me manners,'clean me up' so I wouldn't make them look bad. All of a sudden if they were gonna have to publicly admit to "yea he's in my family"

    see where I'm going with this?

    Shame is toxic, and it keeps the addiction from being something "fixable" and turns it into something "to sweep under the rug"

    I DO know about sweeping crap under the rug... I'm an incest survivor

    I was five freakin years old, what the hell was I gonna do about it?
    YOUR ashamed to hear about it? FU** YOU.
    I refuse to allow shame to keep making my life a living hell

    Oprah Winfre made it her lives mission in 1983 to FORCE the country to acknowledge that child sex abuse happens ten fold more than any one mainstream or not wanted to admit

    I owe a HUGE part of my recovery to Oprah's guile and grit

    Happy New Year if I don't post till then

    These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

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