Shame keeps addiction well fueled

You can't do any thing about what you did.

You CAN do something about your NOW!.

Actually in point of fact there isn't any time except now (but this is concept is a post unto itself, when you were in your past, what time was it? now. When you get to your future, what time will it be then? now.)

Being ashamed of what you did (and the codependent trait of confusing your who with your do Or did)isn't going to:

rewrite history

improve the present

make 'them' feel any better about what ever it was you did

make you wish they didn't feel that way about you

In short, shame is counterproductive.

But it's a whole lot worse than simply being CounterProductive... it's toxic

Guilt is about what you did

Shame is about what you are.

they are most definitely NOT the same, but you can't tell an addict that.

NOR can you tell your friends and family (who are, even if they refuse to accept this fact... your F&F are co addicts (or codependents, relative to you they are even if they're not codependent to themselves)

Christmas just passed us (sorry, my bad "Merry Christmas readers, I seem to have gotten a whole lot more of you! haven't been checking my site stats and WOW some of you must have told your friends to come here... thanks btw)

...Christmas just passed and the way my family relates to me just demonstrated how far shame's tentacles reach:

I do Search Engine Marketing in the real world.

I drove a tractor trailer before that. I got fired from driving a truck, fired for being sick... being an 'addictive personality' had a lot to do with my getting fired.
I abused my kidneys over the past 20 years, didn't stay hydrated, drank dangerous amounts of coffee (drug substitution) and I got kidney stones, plural, and they never passed.

When I 'fell off the wagon' with Crack a few years ago, I didn't know that crack was super hard on the adrenal system (kidney system is run by our adrenal system).

Long story short I indulged, less than when I was using heavy but I indulged nonetheless. (indulge, now that's a euphemism and fodder for my next post)

Needed to get a job driving a truck, and failed the pre employment drug screen.
The total volume of crack in my system was negligible, but my kidneys are not running on all 8 cylinders. Lucky for me (probably intervention of from my higher power) I was NOT behind the wheel when I tested dirty.

The folks that I wanted to work for, let me take the test again (7 months later) and I passed (small wonder by that time I'd almost quit crack completely) but the company required me to drive the tractor trailer in violation of the hours a truck driver can drive (safely)... shorter story, I drank too much coffee, guess what my kidneys did then?

They fired me on the day before my health insurance was to take effect, the 89th day as a matter of fact. I'm of the opinion although there will never be a way to prove this, I think they worked the hell out of me cause I failed a drug test in the recent past and wouldn't complain.

... for a time, they were correct in that assumption. I felt like I was being given a second chance (and I was) and I felt I was being given (by my Higher Power) an opportunity to "make right" a previous screw up.

This was the first time in 26 years of commercial truck driving that I failed a drug test. and to "complete" or "make amends" to the damage I'd done to an almost perfect CDL history... well I was grateful (and still am).
OK, got fired, lost place to live, it's winter, ended up in the homeless shelter in Frederick Maryland.

Snap out of feeling sorry for myself, hell I did it, its up to me to repair it.
I knew search engine marketing from running my Dad's Internet business when I lived in Baltimore a few years ago, no one would hire me to drive a truck... so

I did free lance search engine work in Frederick to small businesses, I had to give em a website too, did the whole enchilada... now this is a recovery success story.

The local newspaper caught wind of it, story got buried and didn't make the paper (from my own fault, I got vindictive towards some of my clients that tried to hold my crack addiction against me and posted stuff I shouldn't have, newspaper saw that and nixed my publicity, that's ok, tomorrows another day)

The newspaper interviewed me over the phone, photographer showed up.. looked like I was gonna be a 'local crack head recovers and starts successful Internet advertising biz' story.

Now what's this got to do with shame?

My family and their reaction to the impending fame.

They were 'squeamish' about the world knowing that I smoked crack.
They were ashamed... more than I was

this caught me by surprise.

they also 'claimed me' in a way that they'd not done before... if I'm gonna be in the paper and every body's gonna know about it... they wanted me to get my hair cut.

even went so far as to try to teach me manners,'clean me up' so I wouldn't make them look bad. All of a sudden if they were gonna have to publicly admit to "yea he's in my family"

see where I'm going with this?

Shame is toxic, and it keeps the addiction from being something "fixable" and turns it into something "to sweep under the rug"

I DO know about sweeping crap under the rug... I'm an incest survivor

I was five freakin years old, what the hell was I gonna do about it?
YOUR ashamed to hear about it? FU** YOU.
I refuse to allow shame to keep making my life a living hell

Oprah Winfre made it her lives mission in 1983 to FORCE the country to acknowledge that child sex abuse happens ten fold more than any one mainstream or not wanted to admit

I owe a HUGE part of my recovery to Oprah's guile and grit

Happy New Year if I don't post till then



==========
These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

If you do slip, slow down - and think.

This was posted to another board I belong to. I find it very insightful.

If you don't work to prevent a slip, the chances are you will slip.

And if you don't respond wisely to having a slip, it's likely that you will fall.

Recovery from addiction doesn't just happen

- it takes planning, effort, and follow-through. The responsibility is yours. The following suggestions about slips are things that you - and only you - can do to safeguard your recovery.

Prevent
1. Heed the principles of addiction and recovery. Recovery - an end to
drug urges - may take a year or more of learning new responses to old
situations. So be consistent with healthy new activities. Make them
habits. And be patient with yourself.

2. Associate with positive people. One valuable habit is always to look
for the people among those you meet who have strength and good feelings.
Make them your friends.

3. Plan in advance. Don't leave things to chance. Plan activities with
positive people, people in whom you have confidence and trust. Boredom is
one of the biggest factors in relapse, and you can avoid it by keeping your
schedule active.

4. Update, review, and pay attention to your list of risky situations. You
know what situations, places, and people are most risky for you and threaten
your recovery. If you avoid the "relapse traps" that are most powerful for
you, your chances of a slip are greatly reduced.


Prepare
1. Identify the people you would go to if you slipped. Who would
understand what you were going through and would care about you and really
help you? If you don't have such people in your life, find them. Start
now.
2. After careful thought and discussion with the people you respect and can
count on, determine what other things you would do if you slipped. Think
carefully.
3. Remember the TIPS principles: Truth, Information, Priorities, Support.
Respond
1. If you do slip, slow down - and think. Remember: You have a recovery
plan (?), you have already begun to build a new life, and a slip is not a
fall. Don't forget who you are and where you came from.
2. Follow through on your plan. Go to your support people and listen to
them. Do whatever else you told yourself you would do.
3. Learn from the experience. Future slips can be avoided, and this one is
an opportunity to learn how. Turn a negative experience around by benefiting
from it.
4. Recommit yourself to personal growth. Consider your whole life - not
just the drug part - and look for where you need to grow. Your slip is a
reminder that to stay straight and upright you must always move forward - at
your own pace and in your own direction - but always forward.


==========
These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licensed counselor if you're in crisis.

Substituting Addictions

When I was using, albeit less and less, I really wanted to take pictures of the paraphenalia and a shot of one of our gang hitting the pipe... well the people who know me also know that I do search engine optimization, I do websites for local businesses and I can get Google to say what ever I want Google to say about a company... needless to say no one wanted their face to show up in Google or Yahoo.

I found this photo on a site that gives permission to use it, so here it is.

Crack smokers know what's up in the pic, I added it here for the non users that read this blog (and the number of readers is skyrocketing so I must be doing something right).


Is Everyone "Addicted" to Something?

Dictionary definitions of addiction include:
"Compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (heroin, nicotine, alcohol, etc.) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal".
"Persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful".

Addict: (n) "One who is addicted to a substance."

Addict: (v) "To devote or surrender oneself to something habitually or obsessively."

Colloquial use of the words addict and addiction have progressed in recent years to include many things not inherently harmful and not characterized by any withdrawal other than the feeling of loss. For example, some Steamboaters may say they are addicted to skiing. There may actually be some truth to this; look at the person (usually with a history of addiction to a substance, perhaps in early or marginal recovery from substance abuse) compulsively skiing to the detriment of his marriage or family commitments, or even work; he may "devote or surrender himself obsessively to skiing." He may be doing something harmful to his marriage or job, but when the season is over, he does not have physiological withdrawal. He may feel loss, but more likely will find another process to participate in "habitually or obsessively."

This behavior is compulsive, but it is not the same as addiction to a mind altering substance. The danger here, to continue with this example, is in substituting skiing for alcohol, heroin, prescription pills, or speed. Certainly physical exercise is good for everyone, and can be helpful to the addict who is discontinuing the use of a mind altering substance; but if the addict simply begins to use skiing compulsively and does not embrace the work and process of recovery, he is likely to return to substance use and abuse when the season is over. He will find skiing only goes so far in helping deal with the underlying pain, anger, and other feelings he has been covering up with substances and now with obsessive skiing.

The point is that the addict is the problem; the skiing, even the substance, is not really the problem. A non-addict can have an intense interest in something, perhaps reading or art, or some form of exercise. This passion does not become destructive. The non-addict (I hesitate to say "normal person" as everyone's idea of what constitutes normal is different) does not switch from intense and passionate reading, writing, painting, or skiing to abuse of alcohol or pills when he stops reading, writing, painting, or skiing. Non-addicts can have an intense interest or passion for something; this is not addiction; it is intense interest or passion for something that enhances their lives and is not destructive; they are not addicts; they are passionate and intense people or people with intense and passionate interests.

The real issue here is that addicts are different from other people. If you ever have the opportunity to listen to an addict (even one in recovery for many years) try to explain to a non-addict (spouse, therapist, friend or family) how he thinks or feels, and see the puzzled look on the non-addict's face, then watch two addicts talking to each other, nodding their heads and finishing each others sentences, you will see the difference.

Again, the danger for the addict is in substituting something for the drug instead of working on recovery; it does not usually last and it does not provide for resolution of past issues and progression to a clean, sober, and responsible life.

So, to answer the question, "is everyone addicted to something?" No, some people are addicts and they are susceptible to becoming addicted to any substance or process they use. Other people, perhaps 85% to 90% of the population, are not addicts; they can safely have intense interests and not risk destructive and harmful addictions or physiological withdrawal symptoms.

Dr. Dawn Obrecht is the only MD addiction medicine specialist on the western slope of Colorado. She is a Fellow of the American Society of Addiction Medicine and her office is in Steamboat Springs. She does consultations and referrals anywhere in the country and can be reached at 970-846-8479 or through http://www.docdawn.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dawn_Obrecht

==========
These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

60 days clean... for real this time

60 Days Clean

I've been writing this from the perspective of an addict... it takes one to know one.

I've been 'in the process' of getting clean, and as you can tell from my posts, I believe one can 'move towards' getting clean as opposed to 'you gotta stop altogether or it don't count'.

Ok, I have used a bit, got clean, did some, stayed clean longer, got used to that, became accustomed to what 'clean' feels like, liked that, became exposed to a little bit of crack, rationalized that a little wouldn't hurt....

rinse, repeat.

The intervals of time clean have been getting longer.

How familiar I am with the distinction between 'geekin for another hit' and losing interest in the shit in the first place is increasing.

I like the latter more (more than I used to)

As a sex addict, and someone who had so much shame associated with my past fuck ups and shit that I did, again in the past, that WAS screwy, embarrassing, did shit that made everyone that knew me think I was a jealous loser that just refused to move on when his woman cheated on him...

I can tell you that a LOT of people I know that use weekly if not daily fall into this category, well men sex addicts do. The more you smoke, the more you wanna get laid, but the more you smoke, the less likely your hydraulics are going to work.

OK, I got laid last month and it wasn't a crack ho. I liked that... this woman wanted ME, not the amount of crack I had or money in my pocket (that was rapidly dwindling with each $50 I called to see if I could buy/get.

I'm really pleased to report that I'm now 60 days clean.

Last month: 7 days clean, smoked a couple hits, 10 days clean, smoked a $30 )didn't buy it, let someone use my place and they 'hit me off', 14 days clean, smoked some more crack, this time a $50, 21 days clean, did a single hit...


And now, it's been over 2 months. I 'lost interest' in the shit

more coming, I've got some work to do for paying customers... What do I do?

I publish blogs for small businesses. Blogs outperform conventional websites in the search engines.. that's how you found this blog, right?

I see the website stats, the number of hits this blog gets, the number of people who subscribe to the blog via RSS reader is skyrocketing, the number of people getting blog posts in their email (see box on right) is increasing.

So, I deduce from that, you want to get clean too.

Peace


==========
These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licensed counselor if you're in crisis.

Use Guerrilla Recovery Methods

If you've been trying to get clean using traditional methods and it's not working...

Try going through the 'back door'.

What I mean is if you're fuc*** up and you know it, what do you do?

Most people seek out someone they know that used to be 'Off The Hook' and either quit or cut down so much it was clear that they had cleaned up.

And what is the most likely thing that cleaned up person's going to tell you?

Go go meetings

So what if going to meetings doesn't help you?

A better question is WHY would going to meetings not do you any good?

For most of those for whom going to meetings doesn't help it's because they either don't believe in God, or they don't believe God is going to help them.

OK, transparency check here: I do believe in God and do believe 12 step meetings can help.

BUT

it's not completely necessary to believe in God or go to meetings as a believer, nor even go to meetings at all to get clean.

OK, got that out of the way

Why does going to meetings not work?

The 3rd step - it's a Trust Issue, in your guts you don't trust God to help you.
OR... in your guts you don't think God's gonna take the time to help a screwed up, lying, untrustworthy piece of sh** like you.

Why do so many people have trouble with organized religion?

The Hierarchy Model, that's what I think.

God is UP THERE
and we're DOWN HERE.

another reason so many people have trouble with God is most religions concentrate on BRIBERY

"If you don't do good... YOU'LL GO TO HELL!!"

I recently found out I'm what they call "Gnostic", I didn't know there was a specific philosophical/ theological term for it...

I do not trust organized religion and I DO trust spirituality.

I'm more in line with DePak Choppra than I am the president of the Mormon Church or the Pope.

I do NOT think God is so Punitive, the God I believe in isn't so into punishment.

My God is not a vengeful God.

I think it's counterproductive to concentrate on punishment, see the blog post on another of my blogs that I keep linking to...



So... what the hell do I mean by 'Back Door'?

Use N.L.P.

And WFT is NLP?

Neuro Linguistic Programming. Some people call NLP a form of self hypnosis.

I wrote about NLP on another of my blogs here:
http://victimbehavior.blogspot.com/2008/09/installing-new-behavior.html

You Could call it that, but that'd be a misnomer, that's such a limited title to give NLP.

For now, let's say we've grown up using internal 'software' and that 'programming' sucks.

Scrap the programming.

ditch the motherf****r.

Simple as that.

What you were doing to get crack free didn't work.

Do something else. Try something else. What's the harm? What you WERE doing didn't work.

The way you look at crap automatically includes certain limitations. Those limitations are unconscious. They're 'built in'

They are PRE suppositions, and when you 'look at sh** a certain way' the presuppositions are not apparent (because they're built in) you can't see the forest for the trees kinda thing.

OK, here's some examples:

you smoke cigarettes, since you smoke crack, it's a safe bet you smoke menthol cigarettes, Newport's probably (easy giveaway to spot a crack head: white guy smoking Newports and his lighter is turned up so high it burns his eyebrows)


When people try to quit smoking... how confident are they that they'll make it?

Not very.

When people get a cold, what do they do?

take something to deal with the symptoms... what happened to a cure?

Do you really believe you can "CURE" addiction?

I didn't think so.

Change the paradigm is what I'm saying...

Don't try to 'quit' or 'stop' doing anything.

to quit/stop/give up/ is negative.

What you want to do is to re program your insides to what you want to more towards, and not what you want to avoid.


//////////////////////////////




Your goal is to be crack free.



\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\





not stop smoking crack






What would it look like if you were crack free?


What kinds of sh** would you do if you were crack free?


What would it feel like, inside, if you were crack free?


now for most of the crack heads reading this, they're gonna say, sh*t that's not gonna work.

See what you're built in presupposition already limited you to?


To construct an imaginary scene where you are crack free is to use NLP self hypnosis techniques.

there you go... now you have something to practice.


Here are some links to describe NLP:

http://www.nlpu.com/whatnlp.htm

What Wikipedia says about NLP

What follows here actually belongs on my http://subjectobjectreality.blogspot.com but since it's related to the thrust of this post I'm leaving it in here.
Also, I'm tired as shit and if I don't leave it here, I'll forget to write a blog post around this idea.

The entire monotheistic methodology of religion, since the Jews first entertained that thought process is from a point of view that is like a 'singularity'.

We view the universe from OUR point of reference, every thing is measured, distance for example, measured as "we're here" and "that's over there".

==========
These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

You aren't going to stop...

If you're trying to stop smoking crack, you're not likely to get very far with that.

How many times have you seen someone stop smoking cigarettes?

How many times have they 'quit', went back to smoking, quit again and so on.

If you really want some lasting relief from this addiction, shoot for a much MUCH better target!

Shoot for something OTHER than to QUIT doing something.

What IS addiction anyway? I mean how is it described?

Ok, that's rather subjective isn't it?

Who is doing the describing? Who?

Doctors

Psychologists

Probation Officers

Prosecutors

Drug Counselors

YOU the user

The definition I like is the one Dr Drew uses:

The definition of addiction is that you keep doing stuff even if it has negative consequences

Don't try to STOP doing anything.. try to START imagining a life with out Crack!

How YOU define addiction is going to determine if you ever have half a chance of quiting.

Insanity

Did you know that Jeffery Dahlmer was NOT insane?

Not legally, not even clinically. If he was found insane by legal standards he would have ended up in an institution and not prison.

There isn't any way for Dahlmer to be clinically insane because psychologists do not have a category of insanity...

it's a legal definition ONLY

What's that mean? The entire realm of what you can do and what you can't do is subjective.

HUH? it's SUBJECT to how you categorize it.

If you catagorize QUIT doing X as:

painful

shit now I have to give up something that I DO like to do

quit? not much likleyhood of THAT ever happening

those are PRESUPPOSITIONS, and they're unconscious PREsuppostions at that.

Rather than beat yourself over the head and make your self feel even more like a loser...

Use Guerilla Recovery

You're not gonna win this battle by taking the adversary on in an even fight.

He'll beat the living shit out of you and you know it, your friends know it, your Mom knows it, your ex girlfriend knows it, your Boss knows it, and your Probation officer knows it.

Did the colonial army REALLY think it could take on the British in a fair fight?
Did the Indians really think they could take on the US Calvary in a fair fight?

Guerilla tactics are: Don't try to quit, and don't pretend you can simply switch to a eumphenistic 'drug free' (what bullshit, to think you can just... hmm, what if you can??)

What's realistic is to BEGIN to imagine what life would be like if you:

still had money the next day

didn't have to bum cigarettes or pull butts out of the ashtray

You actually answered the phone when your kids called because this time you're not blasted, geeking, crawling on the floor hunting for that piece of lint that you already know is NOT a piece of crack that fell out of the stem

Nope, what is realistic is to BEGIN to imagine
Did you notice that 3 of the 12 steps don't say DO X,Y or Z

3 of the steps say "Came to believe"

imagine... build up to behavior, for now just leave behavior on the back burner.
Just imagine

As addicts we're dysfunctional, we wouldn't know functional behavior if it crawled up in our lap and called us MAMA. We might have even done functional shit BY MISTAKE and not even recognized it as functional behavior.

how the hell do WE know what functional behavior is like, if we've never done it before, our parents have never done it before, we don't even KNOW people that know how to be functional.

so... this 'Imagine what it'd be like to be crack free' is something we're obviously gonna have to practice.

When you first jumped into a car, when you were, what? 15. Where you instantly Jimmy Johnson (everybody keeps telling me I look like him, I hope he's winning... if he's gonna walk around looking like me he better)

You jumped the curb a bit the first time you drove a car.

Observation

To observe is the most powerful verb in the english language, it really is.

Observing seems 'passive', but it's not. Consider it 'range finding for artillery'
What good is a howitzer if you don't have the range?

More coming it's late and my granddaughter just woke up





==========
These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

Incremental self respect

Incremental self respect.

Lower your target to what you can do THIS WEEK.

This is guerrilla recovery.

You really aren't going to completely stop, all at once, how many of your non addict friends quit smoking cigarettes the first time, cold turkey?

Get real.

Work up to it this way... and if you don't work on internal self respect you're just gonna start smoking again as soon as the pain of being addicted/ broke/ fired/ evicted (again)/ your children are tired of you asking to borrow money (again), your parents hang up on you... you get the picture

... all of the above sounds too much like you, I know.

Ok, Not all addicts are addicted the same, Didja know that?

And here's another bright side (the above sounded kinda gloomy, been there, bought way too many tee shirts)... how much your addicted can go up and down.

Bettcha didn't know that one!

If you can't turn something off (like SHAME) then turn the volume down.


You think your a piece of sh** right now, cause you can't quit.. you wont even try cause you already know it's not gonna work... you don't even apply to certain jobs because you KNOW you're not gonna pass the piss test.

Divide and Conquer

You know more than one crack dealer... I know you do, what do you do when your main person is out of stock?

OK, so you know more than one... I'll bet some of the crack dealers you know smoke and some do NOT smoke their own product, correct?

And of the ones that DO smoke, some of them have some restraint, correct?

You KNOW what I'm talking about... there ARE some people who can HOLD product, WANT to smoke, have it PHYSICALLY on their PERSON and refrain from smoking up their product.

You may not know many people like this, but it demonstrates that there ARE levels of being addicted...

So how's that gonna help you?

Work at being LESS addicted, incrementally

Work at... let's pick a battle we're likely to win:

once you start smoking... keep enough for cigs the next day (spend down to $5 and keep that in your pocket... for christs sakes, it wont even buy a single hit)

keep a minimum of $5 in your pocket for an entire week

stop speaking to yourself as if you're trash

That last one is a post to itself... addicts are seldom aware that their internal self talk is characterized by 'beatin themselves up'

we beat ourselves up so much we're accustomed to it...

How much you're addicted is NOT set in stone... you can eat at it around the fringes, look at it this way... just because someone's first opinion of you sucks, you DO get another chance to make a first impression... EVERY impression is new.

God does not take off points for past failures
that my friend is a SELF INFLICTED WOUND

Grace is a Gift, it's NOT based on performance.

The same amount of Grace God made available to us at age 9 months
is there at 29 and will be there at 79

He does not subtract Grace for screwing up.. the only one's keepin score is US.

Every time you inhale, it's First and Ten.

With God we ALL get UNLIMITED first downs.


==========
These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

Supply of better crack in Frederick coming back

A while ago I posted that you couldn't get any decent crack in Frederick Maryland where I live.

The authorities (City of Frederick Police, Frederick County Police, and whoever else) did such a good job of interdiction that they'd virtually shut down the supply.

Well, for the most part that's still true.

But.

There is a tiny bit of more powerful stuff circulating.

Want the good news?

So many people, not the hard core addicts that go to any length to get high (shoplift or worse), so many light users got disgusted with paying $40 for baking soda that they refused to buy any more.

and that's a good thing.

What self respect issues come up with an addict when you buy garbage?

What are you 'telegraphing' about your level of internal self respect in your relationship with your crack dealer?

What? you didn't know you were telegraphing anything?

Ok picture this:

Someone, a shmuck goes to the store and buys a widget. The widget doesn't work.
They take it back... either the store gives em a new widget or the store tells em to fuck off.

What does the shmuck do if they tell him to fuck off?

He refuses to shop there any more...

ok, analogy here:

Your crack dealer sells you shit, it's drywall or cut so bad nothing comes back...
I've heard the phrase "ambusol crack", baking soda with a tinge of ambusol to make your lips numb... you *think* you're smoking crack.

A week goes by, you call all the people who you hope are going to have something decent... they don't answer... so what do you do?

You call the same people who sold you the bullshit?

What are you 'telegraphing' to them?

You're telling them there is no consquence for them to shit on you... you'll 'get over it'

so... there's no reason for them to stop *doing it to you*

In reality "You did it to yourself!"

Fool me once shame on you.

...Fool me twice shame on me

...Fool me a dozen or more times and I must've really wanted to be fucked over.

Does your crack dealer have more respect for themselves than you do?

See anything wrong with this picture?

http://victimbehavior.blogspot.com/2008/08/train-yourself-to-accept-self-respect.html




==========
These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

Context or Content?

If you're an active addict... that also means you're a codependent.

It's NOT POSSIBLE to be an addict of any kind, food addict, sugar addict, sex addict, control-aholic, drug addict, alcoholic, verbal abuser/ scream-aholic

none of the above... if you are one of those, underneath it all you are a codependent.

And if you're NOT an active addict, then you're what AA calls a 'dry drunk'.

You still base all incoming data, all internal decisions you make are from the context of being an addict... only thing you've changed is your drug of choice.

Either way, an addict has a particular world view, a global world view...

You're looking at the world thru a pre-supposition, Tony Robbins describes this as a Global World View characterized by Global Beliefs.

It's a context, the content of what you believe, content of what you respond to, content of your behavior is secondary to the context.

Codependency is a disease of irresponsibility.

Having said that, it's most definitely NOT to your advantage to punish yourself with guilt or shame.. you're already way too good at self deprecation as it is.



Lastly underneath all of the above is this premise:

You can not be codependent with out being a victim on the inside... not the 'act' you show to the world, what I'm talking about is having a victim context.

You see, the content is relatively irrelevant if the context is Victim Behavior

And lastly, this context is something YOU ARE NOT AWARE OF

You're doing it and you don't even know your doing it... and you:

think it's normal

think everybody else thinks the same way you do

if they don't think like you, you think thier fucked up

that's enough for now...I gotta change my grandaughters diaper






==========
These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

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General Disclaimer
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Entire Agreement

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If you don't agree with the terms, rules, and conditions set forth in this Agreement and if the content and service provided by Http://crackaddictionrecovery.blogspot.com/, though Http://crackaddictionrecovery.blogspot.com/ are not satisfactory, please exit Http://crackaddictionrecovery.blogspot.com/. TM & Copyright (c) 2008 Http://crackaddictionrecovery.blogspot.com/, All rights reserved.

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These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

Don't try to stop smoking crack...

In a particular form of hypnosis called Neuro Linguistic Programing (N.L.P.) there is a tenent that can be illustrated like this:

Let's say you have a child, a todler, and you spot this child walking clumsily with a china plate in his/ her hand.

You're afraid he/she might drop the plate...

Most of us would probably say to the kid:

"Don't Drop that Plate!"

What are you doing with that command?

You're telling the kid to NOT do something.

How does a human brain process a command?

First the brain has to identify what's being asked of it.

Then it has to make an internal representation of the request.

Then it has to look over all the times in it's past (memory) to see if this has happened before.

Then it has to remember how that previous experience worked out back then

Sounds pretty exhausting doesn't it?

What's not so obvious is that in order for the little tyke's brain to represent what is being asked it has to think of that situation!

He/She could very easily respond to you with:

"Don't Drop that Plate!"
Kid says:
"You mean... like this?"

You made a negative command

What would be more efficient is for you to say:

"BE CAREFUL"

The child would have to make an internal representation of what "Be Careful" means.

You get my drift... so what's this got to do with the fact that you just got paid, cashed your check, you told yourself you weren't going to spend the rent money this time...

and... you run into one of your crack dealers????

What's this post got to do with that?


Don't waste your time trying to STOP doing sh**

Invest your time wisely investigating what a crack free life would be like!!!

What kinds of crap would you do if you were free of crack?

What would that look like, FEEL like?

What would it look like to not have to face your children and have them say to you:

"...did you spend ALL your money again Dad?"


At this point you're not even at the place where you examine what it would take to get to the point where you were crack free...

You're an addict, you've already got your hands full.

FOR NOW, the best thing you can do is OBSERVE

I'm serious, observing means.. don't criticize, you're already a world champion at the fine art of internal criticism

To observe means don't 'DO' anything, don't change anything... not yet.

First thing you've got to do is see what you've not been willing to see.

It didn't even occur to you that the possibility of imaginging a world where you were free of crack even existed.

You're not at that point yet.

Observing is a POWERFULL VERB, it's not simply doing nothing... how can you change what you can't even see yet?

Let's say you were in the military, you're in artillery, you run a howitzer... how in the hell can you hit a target you can't even see?

more coming
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These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

Make your goals attainable

Everybody is gonna tell you you've got to quit smoking crack, cold turkey or...

Or it doesn't count

Or you wont stay sober

Or you'll substitute addictions

Or the stock market will fall, housing prices will fall and the earths orbit will change and it'll all be YOUR fault

Ok, so the last one was stupid... at least I woke you up.

Why does any one want to have a goal?

... I'm fishing here... and you're right the answer I'm lookin for isn't what you'd think!

If you attempt to, if you set out to quit smoking crack... you gotta ask WHY?

is it for you?
is it for someone else?
is it so your kids won't be ashamed of you?
is it so you won't feel so ashamed around your kids?
(some of you can substitute parents for kids in the above two lines)
is it because you want a someone of the opposite sex to like you?

Why does any body want anything?

If you ask most anyone if they had aladins lamp and could get the Genie to give em anything in the world....

Most of em would ask for money.

Why?

So... you're tellin me what you really want is little pieces of paper with pictures of dead Presidents on em?

is that correct?

No, of course not.

What you want is the things money can get you.

The purpose of a goal is what it'll make you, what accomplishing that goal will make OF you as a person.

You CAN, you ABSOULTELY CAN still work on being a better person.. even if you're still using.

and you don't have to kick your self every time you fuck up.

You're already too good at kickin yourself,and it's not gotten you anywhere.

You can "slip".

You don't have to condem yourself, every 'slip' doesn't have to be a 'relapse'

What you say to yourself, you're Internal Self Talk determines how hard or how easy getting clean is gonna be... don't make it extra harder on yourself than it needs to be.



==========
These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

Kidney failure and crack connection?

Now that I'm getting older I'm finding my body parts are blowing fuses.

I've got kidney stones, that's plural... one of them is 14 mm, WOW that's 9/16th of an inch.

Here's a link about crack smoking (cocaine use) and kidney failure:

http://ndt.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/15/3/299

warning... this block of text uses 'high dollar' words. Doesn't make for easy reading. But you'll get the drift - crack (cocaine) is hard on your kidneys.

In this excerpt, you'll see the word: Renal Failure, click on this link to find out what that means: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Renal_failure

Cocaine and end-stage renal disease without rhabdomyolysis

Several patients with accelerated or malignant hypertension have been described in whom the habitual use of cocaine appears to have hastened the development of renal failure, often requiring dialysis [8,9]. The patients had smoked cocaine for several years, often continuously, and presented with severe hypertension and renal insufficiency. Blood pressure was extremely elevated, often quite out of proportion to the degree of end organ damage and frequently quite refractory to treatment. It has also been described that scleroderma renal crisis, characterized by accelerated hypertension, rapidly progressive renal failure and hyperreninaemia can be precipitated by heavy cocaine abuse [10]. Surprisingly, hypertension may be absent on presentation and severe renal arterio-arteriolosclerosis without hypertension has been reported after cocaine use [11,12]. Apart from rare cases with renal infarction [13], antiglomerular basement membrane antibody-mediated glomerulonephritis [14] or acute interstitial nephritis [15], the mechanisms leading to renal insufficiency after cocaine abuse are at present not clear.

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These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

If you gotta recook it... it's no good

I live in Frederick City, Frederick County Maryland. The city of Frederick is the second largest city in Maryland...

When I write about crack usage, I'm writing about what goes on in the area I live in, right now.

The Purpose of this blog is to extend hope to CURRENT users, conventional recovery methods insist that all using stop before any good can come of recovery...

While I'm not arguing that point... I AM writing to those people, in pain, that aren't going to stop 'Cold Turkey', think about it, do most people who quit smoking cigarettes quit the first time?

GET REAL

And right here, in Frederick, most of the crack that's going around is garbage!
it's mostly cut, baking soda... if you've gotta recook it, it isn't worth smoking!

The local police must have done a super job in interdiction, because even the crack dealers can't get decent stuff.

Sidebar:

Most crack dealers do NOT smoke themselves, some do... but if they smoke, they smoke up their profits, and the users that patronize them, most of the time, prefer to buy from the NON smokers.

Why?

Because non smokers are more likely to have merchandise 'in stock'

and

smokers are more likely to 'cut' the product, what they're after is to subsidize their habit.

Ok, just in case my readers don't know what 're cook' means, I'll clue you in:

You never get straight crack, just like you never get straight cocaine.
it's cut, sometimes with baby laxative, sometimes with other crap, but most of the time baking soda is used in addition to whatever else is in there.

If your crack is 'weak', you can put a small amount in a spoon, and a little bit of water and hold it over a flame, a lighter will do.

Once you boil the water down some, the cocaine oil will 'bubble', you take a metal object, maybe a penny, and try to get the oil to solidify (cool) onto the penny.

That residue is 're cooked' and much stronger.

What's going around in Frederick county Maryland right now is so weak it's not even worth re cooking!

Kudos to law enforcement.

People who smoke what's currently available, could probably pass a urine test.

Good news to addicts who are afraid of applying for a job just to test dirty!

Experience

Strength

Hope

That's what you're supposed to get from going to meetings

That's if you're going to meetings because you have a desire to get clean (as opposed to going to meetings to get out of going to jail)

that's what I'm trying to give with this blog.




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These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

Worthy of reposting - I am Your Disease

I posted this originally on this blog: http://repairmanual4selfdestructivebehavior.blogspot.com/2006/08/i-am-your-disease.html and it's worthy of reposting here!

While you're at it see this post:
Why so many can't deal with the 12 steps

I am your disease
Hello...

Just in case you forgot me...I am your disease.
I hate meetings, I hate higher powers. I hate anyone
who has and works a program. To all who come in
contact with me:

I wish you suffering and I wish you death.

Allow me to tell you about myself.

I am the disease of addiction.
I am cunning, baffling, and powerful...
I have killed millions; I have ruined the lives of
millions more...and I am pleased.

I love to catch you by surprise. I love pretending
that I am your friend and lover. I have given you
comfort, haven't I? Wasn't I there when you were lonely?
When you wanted to die, didn't you call on me, and
didn't I answer?

I was there. I love to make you hurt; I love to make
you cry. Better yet, I love to make you so numb that
you can neither hurt nor cry. I love to help you give
up and feel hopeless. When you can't feel anything at all,
that is my true gratification.

And all that I ask from you is long term suffering and
lonely despair.

I've been there for you always. When things were going
right in your life, you invited me in. You said you didn't
deserve these good things, and I was the only one who agreed
with you. Together, we were able to destroy everything
good in your life.

When things went wrong, I was there to agree with you
about how unfair life is and how blameless you are for
anything that happens to you.

I was the only one who would crawl down into the slimy
paralysis of self-pity and wallow around with you there.

People don't take me seriously, and while this wounds
my pride, I don't really mind because it so strongly
serves my purpose.

People take strokes serously;heart attacks...diabetes
...AIDS, these they take serously. Fools. Without my help,
those illnesses would not even be possible, for many
people.

I am such a hated disease, and yet I do not come uninvited.

You choose whether or not to have me active in
your life. Doesn't that prove how powerful and
cunning I am? So many choose me, over reality and
hope--even while they say they hate me.

But more than
you hate me, I hate all of you who have embraced
recovery. Your refusal to invite me in...your
program...your meetings...your higher power. All of these things
weaken and disgust me, and I can't function in the
manner I am accustomed to. Now, I must lie here quietly,
waiting.

Oh, you don't see me much anymore, but I am
here...and I have all the time in the world to wait for you.
When you only exist, I may live. When you live, I may
only exist. But I am here... And until we meet again
-if we meet again- I wish you misery and death, just
as I always have done and always will
do...

Most Sincerely,
Your disease

http://victimbehavior.blogspot.com/2007/11/mind-over-matter-religion-vs.html
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These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

Teach yourself to accept respect

Self Respect.

As an addict, you're going to have to get your 'insides' used to the idea of ACCEPTING self respect. This is a "Paradigm Change". What is a paradigm? it's the fish bowl to the fish - it's a "mind set"...

as an active addict, the mind set, the prism you view the world through, has built in to it a Pre-Supposition which you quite often are unaware of.

That presupposition includes (or more correctly does NOT include) self respect.

All this is a fancy way of saying - Part of you is looking at the rest of you with CONTEMPT (internally that is)

In otherwords, inside of you, you hate yourself... and it's so pervasive, so built in, that you don't even see it.

Stop beating yourself up.

As addicts we're already world champions at 'beating ourselves up', it's counterproductive for you to be 'Punitive' in your view of the world.

The world around you, the people you interact with, view you as having a "lack of will power"... what could you do with that concept?

It's counterproductive for you to view yourself through that prism, that presupposition... "What's productive is to view your self though the world view


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These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis. If you live in Western Maryland, Call 211

You're not stopping yet - Still using

The purpose of this blog is for people who are still using.

period.

Conventional wisdom says this:

You've got to stop before we can help you...

OK fine, sounds good...

Most of us HAVE tried to stop. Remember the stop smoking commercials about cigarette smokers that say they cant tell you how many times they've tried to quit?

Remember the 'Just say no' campaign of the 1980's?

While that probably helped some of the kids NOT get started, it didn't do much for those suffering already. (I'm not knocking 'just say no', CocaCola kicked Pepsi's ass for decades until Pepsi started advertising to the younger generation, the "Pepsi Generation"... I AM an advertising consultant in my *other life*)

While you are still using, there's LOTS of stuff for you to do to make "this time you quit" last longer, you're probably not going to quit once and for all, it's probably going to come in stages and that's not necessarily a bad thing.


Self Respect.

The world (the non addicted world) is going to say "you just don't have any will power'

Even if that's kinda sorta true, it's a counterproductive way to look at it.

Will Power is a function of (and a measurement of) you're left brain.

Your Right Brain is the source of all addiction.

'Triggers' are a (12 step) way of attacking addiction from a left brain only perspective.

Ending the source of addiction is a Right brain thing.

Self Respect is something you can work at in small steps.

see this post from another blog I have:

http://repairmanual4selfdestructivebehavior.blogspot.com/2008/08/respect-doesnt-come-naturally-for.html

Baby steps, just like the comedy with Bill Murray and Richard Dryfuss...

small steps will acculmulate, they'll compound just like a bank account compounds interest.

Your crack dealer treats himself with respect, right?

He doesn't spend all his money down to zip/zero?

He saves enough for bus fare, cigarettes and shit, right?

He can actually sit on his coke, NOT smoke it, keep it until he/she can sell it...

Learn how to treat yourself with respect.

See this post:
http://victimbehavior.blogspot.com/2008/08/train-yourself-to-accept-self-respect.html
You'll have to practice this, get used to the idea...

I bought myself socks.

that actually worked... the next week I saved out $3 for laundry (didn't have to wash my socks in the bathtub, by hand)

When you get your check, when you CASH your check, do it at Walmart...
spend most of it there, you were just going to smoke it anyway...

this time spend most of it on stuff that's good for you!!!

more coming






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These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

Experience, Strength and Hope starts where you live- Frederick MD

The purpose of this blog is to offer options and hope for active addicts.

IT takes one to know one.

The purpose of 12 step groups is to offer:

Experience

Strength

Hope

Where I learned what I learned about Addiction and specifically Crack Addiction was when I lived outside Baltimore.
Now I live in Frederick Maryland.

If I'm to offer experience, strength and hope it comes from where I live.

...on that note:

When I lived in Montgomery County Maryland I went to the Montgomery County Crisis Center.

Now that I'm in Frederick, I found this resource for Western Maryland:

Call 211

From Crack Cocaine...

oh, and I cant spell worth a damn, and I type too fast... sometimes I forget to do the spell check, hopefully my readers will forgive me.

I used to own http://victimbehavior.com

I lost the domain name, some stuff I wrote was being used as curriculum for teaching L.C.S.W in another country... my head swelled up like the Goodyear blimp.

Then I remembered that EGO is one of my worst enemies...
so I posted lots of posts about Ego.
for example:

http://victimbehavior.blogspot.com/2006/08/rational-mind-limitations.html




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These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licensed counselor if you're in crisis.

Crack availability in Frederick Maryland

The Availability of Crack in Frederick Maryland has been on the decline.

All the active addicts I know are complaining about buying 'baking soda' instead of crack.

This reinforces a previous post I recently made offering kudos to Frederick county and Frederick city law enforcement.

http://crackaddictionrecovery.blogspot.com/2008/08/frederick-maryland-interdiction-efforts.html

This is a good thing.

and it reminds me to write some more posts about how a crack addict feels when he/she has spent all their money and didn't even leave themselves money for cigarettes.

And a previous post on Erectile Dysfunction and Crack Addiction is ranking a bit higher in Google:

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=erectile+dysfunction+and+crack+addiction&start=10&sa=N



Right now I'm working on raising funds for Frederick's Mission of Mercy with a blog:

http://frederickmissionofmercy.blogspot.com

Go to Google, type in:
crack smoking in Frederick Maryland

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=crack+smoking+in+Frederick+Maryland


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These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

Relapse and Slips: Remembering and Forgetting

Relapse and Slips: Remembering and Forgetting

Relapse is typically defined as giving up on sobriety and returning to addictive use of alcohol, other drugs, food, sex or work. Or it is not taking care of ourselves in a way that leads to depression, anxiety and dependent relationships. The definition of a relapse varies with different addictions, but harmful consequences are sure to follow. At its deepest level, it is a sense of inner collapse, a loss of spirit, hope and faith.

Slips are when a person, in spite of a commitment to healing, uses or reverts to addictive behavior on a one time basis or for a short period of time.

Slips are not caused by external events

- they are caused by the permission-giving statements we make, but we put ourselves at high risk for a slip when we let ourselves get overwhelmed.
Slips can be related to getting overwhelmed due to death, loss, rejection, or other stressful events. Slips are also more likely when people fail to nurture themselves on a daily basis, isolate, or fail to ask for help with a crisis.

Sometimes the desire to use happens when a person begins to face childhood abuse issues and becomes overwhelmed by painful feelings. A slip can be used as a wake-up call, alerting you to pay closer attention to your process of healing and your feelings.

In therapy I tend to spend less time talking about the actual slip than talking about the preceding cues that suggested the person was shutting down emotionally, not taking care of daily tasks, not dealing with feelings, not being honest, or not avoiding overly stressful situations and relationships.

I also have the person examine the ways they started giving themselves permission to use: Just once won't hurt.

It is important to stress that a slip is not the same as a relapse, nor does it necessarily lead to relapse.

Many people grow and heal in spite of having slips along the way. On the other hand, some people who have never made a firm commitment to sobriety use slips as an excuse for continued use, saying, "It's just a slip."

A slip does not erase the days of sobriety that preceded it. You can never take away a sober day. Some people think they have to start counting the days and months of sobriety all over if they relapse or have a slip. I think it is important to say the whole truth: "I stayed sober for two years, then I had a slip, and I've been sober for four years since then." It all counts.

In my experience it is important to take sobriety very seriously. Once you have erected the wall between you and your addictive substance or behavior, your survival brain starts learning other coping mechanisms to create pleasure and cope with stress. When you have a slip, your brain once again gets the message that drugs, sex, violence, etc. are ways to alleviate pain. Once the barrier is down, it takes time to erect it again. It's like building trust in yourself again. One woman said that in her treatment program, which stressed sobriety very strongly, few people had slips and nearly everyone maintained sobriety. In another program which was loose about slips, more people had slips and relapsed back into their addiction.

It's a fine line because you can get so obsessed with sobriety you get frozen in your life, on the other hand if you continually allow yourself slips, you are also frozen in your life. Essentially, it's good to do all you can to avoid slips and relapse. And if you do slip, it's important to have a positive attitude, get back on track and keep going.

In defining sobriety it is important not to get caught up extensively with clock time and calendar time. It is important to look at quality as well as quantity of sober time, although all sobriety is good. If a person stays sober for eight years but is still being violent and abusive, what does that mean in terms of human life? If a person is growing and healing and has a slip, what has that small slip erased? If a person abstains from drugs but is eating compulsively and is depressed, what does sobriety mean for that person? The point is for the whole person to be growing, stretching and healing ... as well as maintaining sobriety.

Dr. Charlotte Kasl
Reposted to this blog from an older blog


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These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.

Criminal Records What can be done- continued

A criminal record will usually have arrests that did NOT result in a conviction.

Continued from a previous post on this blog:
http://crackaddictionrecovery.blogspot.com/2008/07/criminal-records-arrest-no-conviction.html

It's a commonly held belief that ONLY convictions show up on a background check.

This is NOT always true!

An employer CANNOT ASK you whether you have been arrested- ONLY whether you've been convicted...

even so, they can still SEE on a background check that you have been arrested.

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Civil Rights laws limits employers and landlords to questions about convictions ONLY They can not ask about arrests...

BUT here's the catch:

sometimes when they get your criminal record from a "Credit Reporting" company or a court, the record will show the arrests that did NOT result in conviction!

An Employer can't deny your application for a job or housing by saying "We don't take anyone with a criminal record"

Nevertheless, you'll still find yourself excluded...

What to do about it?

EXPUNGMENT

Expungment is a process in Maryland that allows you to get some non-convictions OFF your RECORD!

Expungment is a court process that involves:

-Stet Dockets
-Probation before judgements
-Dismissals
-Not Guilty findings/

YOU NEED TO FILE A PETITION in the court where the charge occured and ASK for expungment.

BUT:

A PBJ or Stet has to be at least 3 years old and YOU HAVE TO HAVE BEEN CRIME FREE since then.

You can ALWAYS EXPUNGE A:

Dismissal
Nol Pross
Not Guilty

finding any time via a waiver

If you've been convicted a Pardon is the only way to get that expunged.

Free legal advice and assitance may be available from:

Legal Aid Bureau Inc.
Mid Western Maryland Office
22 South Market St
Suite 11
Frederick Maryland 21701

301 694-7414
toll free
800 679-8813

Intake hours: Tuesday- Friday 9am to 12 noon.






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These articles are for informational purposes only. Contact a licenced counselor if you're in crisis.